Happiness is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel its warmth.

         INTRO--Hello and wow has it been quite some time.. definitely a few months have gone by and needless to say those months have been quick, filled with drama and heartache, excitement and laughter.. i should update you all.. for those who will read this.

College-- After finishing a semester of college I dropped out of my second semester for reasons really I don't even know why.  A lot of stuff had been going on and I felt that I needed to focus on that rather than school.  But come to realize I was just being stupid.  So I am planning on going back in the Fall 2006.

Craziness--It's 2006 and thats like amazingly crazy.  I am out of high school and struggling with everyday life things.  I am struggling with who I am and where  I want to be and it just seems like I'm the only one who doesn't want to grow up yet.  Everyones away at school learning and moving on with there life while I'm still stuck here scared.  I feel old too.  my babies (class of 2007) are going to be seniors and its just amazing at how they have grown. 

Changes-- are so important in life but i wonder if i have made positive ones.  I moved out of the Anthonys house (whom I miss every single day) and into an apartment with Ashley (a fun girl I work with) don't get me wrong I absolutely love it here in this apartment.  But i'm working full time and killing myself to make rent and pay bills and its like i can't afford to take a day off and go on vacation cause i gotta save my money and budget it.  some of you are thinking.. well duh yea.. thats what you are supposed to do. but again im struggling with the growing up part
                   some of my relationships have changed.  i recently did this friends with benfits thing with this guy and yes don't ever do it because you only get hurt.  its so true, but who am i to say that until you truly feel it.  i don't ever wish that upon someone but its usually the only way one can learn.  all i want is to be loved but i realized how can someone love me when i don't even love myself. yet i struggle with how to love myself in a positive way.. my roomie is this gorgeous kind hearted person and im just me.  i think i just need to focus on fixing the positives in my life about me and make me feel good about myself.  but theres where im stuck once again. 

family-- my brother Casimir is going over yet again to Iraq, i feel we have gotten closer even tho we haven't really talked in a really long time.  hes getting pretty serious with his girlfriend Jessie and I couldn't be happier for him, it was kind of a struggle.. letting him go. not that i would like talk to him about stuff but we were close and it just felt like she took over. which in sense she did and im so happy (now) about it, but back in the beginning as much as i liked her i felt.. threatened somewhat. im so over that now, but i still think about it time to time.
           -- my mother is doing great.  shes still has her rough days but my feelings for her haven't changed, shes so optimistically beautiful that it just kills me to see such a wonderful person go through the things she does.  i love her so much for her everyday struggle with MS.  she is such a hero in my life.  if i had half of whatever it is she has, i know i would be happy with myself.
          -- my father is okay. we just don't click most of the time.  its getting okay.  we can get along and have a conversation but i feel most of the time like hes comparing me to cas.  cas has done wonderful things in his life and has made good choices.  so why not follow him?  do what he does.  its so frustrating sometimes i think he only has one child and thats cas.  i feel invisible because i don't amount up to what cas is.  frustration is my word for him.
         --Jessie should just be on here because shes basically family anyway.  what a wonderful girl  Cas has found to have in his life.  this is the first girl hes really serious about and this is the only girlfriend i tolerate and just love!  shes so down to earth and talks.. actually talks!! she not dramatic and i can really relate anything to her.  shes just awesome.


friendships--- i have a hard time with this one.  i feel like people are out to get me but its because ive been burned so much this year by the least expected group.  ive lost friendships that im glad i did and ive mended some.  some friendships i find myself trying to fight for but it doesn't seem like its worth the fight anymore.  they want nothing to do with me or never have time to just talk to me .  i feel i always initiate conversations and they never just.. call to say hi.  i may be analyzing too much but i believe im right in this one. 

loneliness-- i feel empty although i am happy at the same time.  i feel content with my life but theres something missing and i do believe i know what that is.  me time and what i can do for myself.  its hard to know what you can do for yourself when you have no idea who you are.  another struggle i am dealing with. 

Tatum Lee-- i miss so much and i miss her guidance and the ability to just talk to me and make me feel at home.  i just miss her spirit and soul and love so much.  i have been able to cope with everything okay because of Mrs Anthony who is my lifesaver.  but no one could ever compare to Tatum--ever.  I just.. love her so much.  such a shame people have to go the way they do.. with unfinished business..



ive broken a few hearts
    mended some friendships
       felt so high and drunk that ive been around the world twice
          i was silly and had fun with friends
and ive fallen in love and danced
    ive been cheated and lied to
       but i believe after the pain goes away
          ill be such a stronger person
i tip my hats to the dreamers in this world
    and wish high hopes for the working class
       who dream of a better life
          but love the best
ive been well aware i am a teenager
    i feel old and i feel unappreciated
       i feel like im worth more than $7.25 an hour
          i should be getting way more
but as much as i struggle
    with bills and life in general
       ive found a way to be happy overall
          and thats the greatest accomplishment of my life so far



until a few months down the road..
sonja